Sunday, September 4, 2011


After Femme Nikita and Leon, writer Luc Besson adds to his list of 'Chicks You Don't Want To Fuck With', while Zoe Saldana headlines Columbiana into an epic fail.

The basic story: Celeya is a young Columbian girl who witnesses her parents' murder by some criminal gang/cartel and vows vengeance. She find her way to Chicago to be raised by an uncle who trains her for a life as a contract killer.

And she'd be pretty bad ass about it too, if she was believable. Something about a skinny little Saldana (who can't weigh more than 110) incapacitating large muscular men with roundhouse kicks, blasting away with heavy machine guns (that should be shaking her bones from their sockets), with a tendency to do her best fighting in a leotard is just a whole lot of too much for me to accept.

Zoe Saldana is one of the most graceful actresses on the screen today, moving with a smooth fluidity to match her ballet background. She's got the skills for this kind of action-chick role. No doubt, it's hard to take your eyes off of her. But if anybody is in dire straights for a bacon double-cheeseburger, fries and a shake it is her. And shame on the lame-ass director (Olivier Megaton) for casting her without fattening her ass up first.
Or any previous director idiot. This isn't Saldana's first action role as she's become the go-to terminatrix for a few directors lately. Well, I'm not buying into it anymore.
Mark it: This day forward, before I pay to see Zoe fight bad guys I need to see some proof that she's capable of attacking a pizza.
This is getting ridiculous.

That's not all. The script has massive holes it. Weired shit happens without explanation. Dots don't connect. Too much is assumed. Little is explained. Characters are shallow. Special effects are overbearing. It's not even fun to watch.

What could have been a great movie with a terrific plot and the right imagery is little more than a massive wad of crap.

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