Sunday, August 21, 2011

Conan The Barbarian

Remembering the original, I was looking forward to this remake. I wasn't expecting perfection, but I was hoping that they wouldn't over do it with FX and other digital bullshit. Maybe a remake on par with True Grit 2011? That would have been a beautiful, beautiful thing indeed.

Instead, we are given something much more faithful to the original character that Robert E. Howard created a very, very long time ago...
Yeah, that's right. It's not the same Conan The Barbarian movie. Not even near the ballpark, and you are informed of such with the opening scene presenting the birth of Conan on a battlefield as his warrior mother lays dying from her wounds. This was a wince-ful scene that could have been produced better. Instead, it comes off as digital-tech moshed with claymation tech, and badly presented as reality.

In praise, I don't think it's possible to better cast the role of Conan than the choice of Jason Momoa. He was perfect, doing a much better 'Conan' than Arnold Schwartzeneggar ever could. (Sorry, Brian.)

From there, Conan begins his legendary life of warrior awesomeness, killing everything that moves; mythical, magical or otherwise. Much of it while accompanied by his roving band of warrior Rastafarians.
And therein lies my first bitch: All the enemy clans look borrowed from other successful movies. They got Last of The Mohicans, Excalibur, Gladiator, Braveheart, Clash Of The Titans... and then a slave tribe of topless white girls, all of whom possess lithe bodies graced with firm breasts of impeccable proportion (OK, I didn't really mind that part too much).
The lack of creativity doesn't end there. Before long this project gets all Lord-Of-The-Rings on us, with overly sensational imaginary cities that become unbelievably destroyed. It's all too fantastic for my preference, and I was ready for it to be over about 1/2 hour before it was.

All in all, this one tries too hard to do too much, and fails convincingly.

Evocations: Last Of The Mohicans, Krull, Excalibur, Gladiator, Flesh And Blood, Lord Of The Rings, Braveheart, Clash Of The Titans


Foxfier said...

Since I've gotten hooked on the MMO (which tried to be very faithful to the source material), I think we may have to snag it on netflix anyways....

Sounds like my Conan fanboy uncles will like it, at least! (Note: all of these uncles enjoy epic ballads, too-- the ones that are always parodied for the dwarves as going on for days.)

Brian said...

"Conan! What is best in life?"

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

I just can't hear those words in any other voice...even though they are based on a quote attributed Genghis Khan, who probably said it Mongolian anyway.

Gino said...

foxfier: netflix is ok for this. just dont expect anything as classic as the original.

brian: that quote never comes up. there is a corresponding one, but i cant remember it.
and this conan is capable of more than one facial expression.