Monday, May 18, 2009

Getting What I Paid For

As a gift for renewing my subscription, Outdoor Life sent me a cool, if compact, survival kit:
*Compass. (If I get lost, this will come in handy.)
*Mini Flashlight. (very weak)
*Whistle.(it's pretty loud)
*Fish hooks, and some fishing line. (I thought I was going hunting)
*Needle and thread. (to sew my wounds after the bear attack, I presume)
A combination pocket knife, containing:
*One cutting blade (for fending off bears?)
*Two types of screwdriver (for gun repair,maybe?)
*Bottle opener (for the imported beer, of course)
*Can opener (Maybe it can double as a gut hook?)
*A corkscrew. (????)

What the hell am I supposed to do with a corkscrew? I'm lost, out in the woods, in a wilderness far, far away... fighting for my survival... and these nimrods think I need a corkscrew?


Brian said...

The corkscrew is to open the bottles of fine wine you brought on the hike/camping trip/mountain climb. Duh.

kingdavid said...

In your hands, sure it's a joke. In the hands of Chuck Norris, he could have survived WWII and taken out the whole 3rd Panzer Division with the stuff you have there.

Jade said...

This looks more like a convenience kit rather than a survival kit though... none of those foil thermal blanket things, no water purifier, nothing to start a fire with?

Or it's a mid-woods date survival kit...

Use the fish hooks and needle/thread to fashion a tent-like covering out of your jacket, the weak flashlight is mood lighting. The whistle is to call to song birds so you have some romantic background music, and the pocket knife is for opening the wine, opening your imported beer, and serving the cheese and crackers with the wine.

The compass?...

...that's to prove to your date that you aren't lost, and you don't need to ask directions.

Brian said...

Haven't you ever been traveling in a strange city, grabbed a bottle of wine on the way back to the hotel, settled in for a quiet evening, only to realize OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE A CORKSCREW!!!???

Then you have to go all the way down to the lounge and have someone open it for you. It's terribly inconvenient, you know. Not to mention embarrassing.

(Kidding aside, I own at least two extra corkscrews from more or less this situation exactly...)

Jade said...

Brian - I have a Swiss Army Knife with a corkscrew and bottle opener - those are the two features I've probably used the most on that thing.

...I wonder what that says about me?

night writer said...

Gino, if you get lost this weekend in the St. Paul area (as has been known to happen) just start blowing that whistle and we'll come find you!

Gino said...

brian: somehow, wine just doesnt seem right in an adventurist setting. maybe jack daniels,though.

KD: didnt mcgyver do something like that?

jade: the voice of experience? ;)

brian: actually, it did happen, once. thanks for jogging that memory. :)

NW: i'll bring it along saturday (just in case i'm feeling lonely.)

tully said...

Here's a Christian greeting card version of your list that just occurred to me.

*Compass. To show you the way through life's winding ways.
*Mini Flashlight. To shine light where life seems its darkest.
*Whistle. That when you need God most, you will be heard.
*Fish hooks, and some fishing line. Like our Lord Jesus Christ, that you may fish for men along the way
*Needle and thread. To mend the wound where hate would fester
A combination pocket knife, containing:
*One cutting blade To cut sin out of your heart
*Two types of screwdriver To fasten humility or loosen pride from your soul, as screwy as life gets!
*Bottle opener To open bottles
*Can opener To open cans
*A corkscrew. To open what were once bottles of water.

Gino said...

hey,hey now...
when i'm in the woods, i prefer to function as a minister of death.