I finally did it. Clenching my gut, I sat down and actually watched a GOP presidential primary debate. The whole thing. I justified it by reminding myself that Megyn Kelly would be one of the moderators, and she's hawt.
I come away with the following impressions:
Jon Huntsman: If you can listen to him, he's got some credible things to say and he appears to know what he's talking about. Unfortunately for him, his lack of stage presence overwhelms his well-crafted body language, perfect hair, nice tie and whatever it is that he just said.
Michelle Bachmann: At one point I thought she was going to leave her podium and slap Ron Paul over his "Israel" position.
Thinks she's running for the Davidic Throne. Somebody box this meshuggeneh up and ship her to Israel. No, forget that... ship her ass to the West Bank and see how she likes living with the Israeli boot on the back of her head.
If I never hear from her again, it would be too soon. Which is surprising even to me, as I've met so many fine folks in Minnesota it's hard to believe that she represents some of them.
Rick Perry: How can somebody who is actually a smart guy with an honest education combined with real world experience come off so stupidly? It's like W.2.0, and I am tired of hearing about Texas as an answer to every question.
Calling yourself "The Tebow" of the caucus' doesn't exactly endear you to us Chicago Bears fans, so Fuck You!
And dude, drop the bright red tie. It hurts the eyes.
Newt Gingrich: Did you know that he was a college professor who wrote lots of books, is an expert in military history and he's really, really smart and knows a lot shit that you don't?
He'll kick President Obama's ass in any debate, but the debates are televised, and he'll just come off as the biggest and smartest asshole in the room. A majority will not vote for an asshole.
Mitt Romney: He plays well on stage, wore the best tie and his hair is second only to Huntsman. He's the best prepared for the job he's running for than all the others who seek it. He brings a strength and know-how in economic matters that the nation desperately needs right now.
Ron Paul: He reminds me a lot of my buddy's father back when I was a teen. A high school dropout from rural South Carolina, Citadel Alumnus, and a straight shooter. He was nobody's fool, and made a fucking fortune in sales and business.
We'd sit around the bar (yes, he had a fully stocked bar in the house). We'd drink tequila. And Mr. Donohue would tell us the facts of life and take the time to explain to us how this world really worked.
We laughed and scoffed at some of his wisdomisms, only to find out later how wise he really was.
But Mr. Donohue didn't have fake eyebrows that looked like they were ready to spin a cocoon around his head any minute now.
Rick Santorum: He reminds me of the class president my senior year: The arrogant prick who's car I dumped manure on while some of my friends pissed on his door handles (there is a story there). I would have rather punched him in the face, but he was bigger than me.
Megyn Kelly: She's hawt.